Denial and Revenge

Ok, it's been a long time since I've posted.
But to be fair, I've been busy trying to finish up the travel blog and France trip. Now that I've relived my trip through the photos and blog, I wonder, "How in the world did I keep going at that pace?"

Our vacation has made me come face to face with my reality once again. Things I don't want to admit, much less blog about. I guess that is the purpose of this blog . . . to dump my thoughts & feelings here, however raw, bitter and nasty they may be.
So be it.

My big realization: I can't travel anymore. At least, not on our long stints overseas.

I felt like $h*t, literally, most of the trip until the last week, having some pretty major digestive issues. I know the 9 hour time change and different foods were responsible, but that goes along with traveling. I had 2 1/2 full weeks of the trots and severe stomach aches, in a country where the toilets and cleanliness leave something to be desired, twas not fun. Terry kept asking if I needed to go home, but my persistent, determined, "I can do this" attitude stood in my way. As usual, I powered on. I could have really caused myself some dire consequences with an intestinal blockage or pancreatitus had it not cleared up that last week. In a France hospital no less.

Outstanding denial, I must say.

My denial of my CF is nothing new. It took me way too many years to come to my place of acceptance with my lungs, meds and diabetes. The last couple years have been another wake up call, that I must be compliant with all my meds and treatments - sometimes consuming 4 hours a day. I used my same headstrong attitude in reverse to be compliant and it has worked. I've definitely seen improvement in my lungs over the last 2 years.

April of this year threw me under the bus. After having a bout of pancreatitus . . . my pancreas is no longer working. No insulin, no enzymes, nada coming from my pancreas. All of a sudden I was faced with new CF challenges.

My diabetes had been very stable. In the last many years, I was in such a routine that I had very little problems. Since April, I'm more or less like a type 1 diabetic now, injecting double amounts of insulin, and very often. I'm trying to relearn all over again how to accommodate my new baseline eating patterns and exercising, and it's been tough. I'm attending sessions with a diabetes educator for help and am considering an insulin pump, sending a constant steady, stream of insulin to my blood.

And now, since my pancreas can no longer digest food, I take enzymes before every time I eat.
20- 25 pills a day added to my ever increasing drug repertoire.

Plus, my sinuses have wound up into full gear the last year, causing all kinds of sleepless, snotty grief and surgery.

All 3 of these new situations added up, chucking me into the all too familiar, overwhelming denial mode - UGH! I'm fighting it constantly in my head. While I'm being compliant about taking everything I should, I still fight the nagging feelings that 'no, you don't need to do this or take this or just plain 'I don't want to'. Psycho, I know.

I know, I'm rambling, but I'm coming full circle.

Once aqain, CF unwittingly or intentionally, wins again, at least this round.

It has 'taken' one more thing from me that I can't do - travel.
Do you know how hard it is to admit you can't do something you LOVE?
My mind flashes back to 2000, when I HAD to quit my job because of this damn malady CF.
This is for you CF . . .


Love note to my Dear CF,

You know me all too well . . . that adamant, bullheaded, jackass, stubborn side of me.
You used it quite effectively, over the years to get your way.
You cast me into your deceitful grips, your insidious power . . . to progress the physical ME, downward.

You've given me enough stretches of healthy, good years to tell me,

"You don't need 'no stinkin' breathing treatments or a vest.
You're chubby, you are digesting just fine.
Hey look, even your CFRD diabetes is under control.
Yes you have me, CF lurking within, but you are a mild case.
Take a look around at your CF buddies, they are different.
No, I take that back, YOU are different.
You ARE NOT like the others, you'll be fine."

BS!

Now the tables are turned my CF traitor.
I WILL use my tenacious, rebellious ways to outwit you.
I WILL use my mind tools in MY favor to figure out how to continue traveling.
I may have to change things up a bit, but I'll make it happen.

You may have tried to win this last battle.
But you won't win this war.
You'll see.

Your afflicted, but revengeful, body host,
Jodi