*to the tune of It's My Party by Lesley Gore*
"It's my blog, and I'll rant if I want to,
rant if I want to, rant if I want to . . .
you would cry too, if
my 2009 happened to you!"
Yep, this is a bitch session for which I think I'm entitled. I usually try to stay upbeat, but my outlet is my blog. I'd rather spill it here than to take it out on someone. Plus, I'm not one to hide my feelings, I am transparent. I speak my mind, I don't sugar coat or ignore how or what I feel and I try to be honest. Hopefully this blog, will wrap up my 2009 bad attitude and I promise to follow up with a positive blog in the next week. Because after all, through all the hard times, comes lessons learned and positive outcomes. For now, here's the nasty, raw deal that was 2009.
2009 has been one of the most stressful years of my life. I feel like the year as a whole chopped 5 years off my life, both physically and mentally. I blogged about just some of what the year brought us back in March,
here. I could see then that the year was setting up to yield a doozy. Little did I know that the bad news year was not done with me yet. It still had a few more surprises for me to chew on, spit out and chalk up to the stinkin' list.
~~ 2 more hospitalizations on IV antibiotics, one in August and another in October, just 8 weeks apart. Both started as a cold/virus I caught from the grandkids, went directly to my lungs and the rest is par for the course. I was very sick in August, I should have stayed the whole 2 weeks in house instead of coming home to finish the IVs the last week. I don't feel like I fully recovered from the first bout before the second one began. The year tallied up with 3 hospitalizations total.
~~ We sold the cabin in October. I was not prepared for the bittersweet heartache it caused both Terry and I letting it go. It represented the embracing, embodiment of us . . . our peace, quiet and respite from real life. Snatched away from us, certainly not by choice. Not to mention, the $$ ass whipping we took on it, selling out at rock bottom. :(
~~ Work for Terry continued to be non existent until late in the year. Some dribbled in, couple days here and there. But we managed to survive on a fraction of a normal year in addition to taking in 3 more people. How did we do it? I still wonder. But after being a single Mom myself for many years, I retreated into the all too familiar 'ultimate frugal mode', buying only the absolute necessities.
~~ Extreme drama on the home front. I haven't blogged about this family problem previously but I think by now, everyone I know has heard the story. In a nutshell, Brent up and left Jen and the kids last Feb. Said he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore, spun out of control with other women, drinking and used bi-polar as his 'excuse' for bad behaviors. Hmmm, don't think so. Jen, a stay at home Mom, had no job and no place to go, so she and the kids moved in here. Almost a year later, they are still here.
The drama coming from him, his family, and him not taking responsibility for the kids is unbelievable. Brent wanted his 'freedom' and filed for divorce June 1. He is a deadbeat living with his parents for free, not working since last March and living off the fat of the land. His naive, loser parents support him at all cost and let him loaf. The court awarded Jen a temporary child support order for a whopping $57 a month from Brent!!!! That doesn't even pay for diapers. BLECH!
Meanwhile, Jen is doing everything she can by getting 3 jobs and going back to school. This means I'm watching the kids while she tries to get her life back on track so she can support them. I'm struggling physically trying to babysit kids, having them live here and trying to stay healthy. I can no longer protect my health and stay away from the kid's colds. My life has been non stop, not getting the rest I need to regroup. The whole situation has taken a deep toll on me, healthwise. My PFT numbers reflect the toll beginning last Feb.
I could certainly write a book about all the sh*t we've had to deal with on this chapter. The continued sheer pain and grief he has caused Jen and the kids is unfathomable and inexcusable. To say I'm bitter towards Brent and his family, is an understatement. There are no words harsh enough I can use to fling their direction. And believe me, I have given them a HUGE piece of my mind, I don't mince words at all. Not many people have had the pleasure of seeing my 'passionate Mama Mia' Italian persona erupt and spew, but they sure have. Thanks Dad, for that genetic gift? ; )
~~ Lastly, nothing is as devastating as a death. As I have said in previous posts, our CF community suffered a overwhelmingly sad year, losing too many young lives. I have known a total of 6 online and real life friends pass away in 2009.
The last was most definitely the one online friend that meant the most to me. Dear, sweet Melissa who passed away in early December. I haven't even been able to blog about her because I was weary of death, in denial, unbelieving that this could happen to her. Not her, not now, no way. In my mind she wasn't that sick, just going in for another routine round of IVs and tune up just before Thanksgiving. She started having complications, not being able to breathe in the hospital. She made the decision to stop all treatment, to fade away and let her die. She was done. She still had so much to live for, to keep her going. It just didn't make sense.
She lived in a small town in New York, was 41, married and had a 12 y/o daughter. She was the heart and soul of the cf.com support forums. One of it's first members, she was the unofficial greeter to all those who joined. She became a friend to everyone and spent hours a day responding to posts, blogs, and threads. She chatted in the evenings to anyone who would talk and got along with everyone. I loved her sense of humor, her honesty when warranted, her supportive nature and her empathy towards our fellow CFers. She was truly a gem and will be sorely missed in our online family. The silence left behind by Mel's absence is deafening.
RIP Melissa, I think of you often friend.
I believe that is enough, I'm emotionally drained and I'm done.
See ya 2009, I'm not looking back.
You are history.
*Rant over.*
Tune in for a more positive 2010 blog.
2010
HAS GOT TO BE a better year.
Nowhere to go, but up.
See, with all that out of my system, I can now smile again. : )
