Impressive!

Wow, what a word. I've always associated 'impressive' with something totally spectacular, like seeing an incredibly awesome medieval castle or the Eiffel Tower for the first time. I've certainly seen my share of impressive sites and know them when I see them. 

I'm probably one of the most unimpressive people around. I don't try to impress anyone nor am I easily impressed by others. Imagine my surprise when the word impressive was used to describe me, or something about me. It completely caught me off guard, in an unexpected situation. When all was said and done, the word 'impressive' used to describe me, left me, well, impressed. And definitely, made an impact on my thinking.

Today was my surgery consult with the Transplant surgeon, Dr. H. This appt. is the last stop before listing for transplant. After all the testing, many appts meeting the whole transplant team, this is it, the day of reckoning.

Dr. H came into the room, introduced herself to Terry and me, and first thing out of her mouth, "You don't look sick enough for transplant." HA!! Exactly what everyone says. But she assured me, I would not be there, sitting in that room, talking with her, if it was not necessary for me. She had read my case, history and entire file, so only had to ask me a few questions about my wedge resection in 2000. She explained a few things about the antibody issue I have in my blood that could possibly reduce the number of donors I could match too. The antibodies could also change and go away, if the antibodies were showing up because of an infection or virus I had at the time of testing. 

She then proceeded to describe the whole Tx process from getting the call to exactly how the surgery is done, what to expect, pain management, recovery, medications, post check ups, etc. Most of the info, I knew already from many online CF friends who have already had Tx. Nothing she told me surprised me at all. In fact, having already gone through a lung surgery, I probably have a sense of what I'll be going through to some degree. 

The surgery and recovery itself does not scare me. The whole issue with me is TIMING. Like my healthy appearance, I still don't feel sick enough for Tx. I want to get the most use out of my own lungs, before resorting to Tx. I know it is in my future, but not sure if it is time, now.

I told Dr. H that I had seen my CT scan and even with an untrained eye, I could tell that it was ugly. I then proceeded to tell her how I felt about timing. She looked at me and said, " You have B blood, the most uncommon blood type. You have an antibody issue that could reduce the donors even more. Your short stature, again limits the donors." Dr. H tilts her head, raises her eyebrows and says, " Your CT scan is IMPRESSIVE "

There it is, that word!!! 


My mind quickly raced. The word impressive has always been used in a positive light to me. 

Dumbfounded, I said, "Impressive, meaning what?" She said, "In the very worst way. Your outward healthy appearance, does not portray the seriousness of what is going on inside. You could be in for a long wait and there just are not many B donors. You are in good health and your recovery would be excellent. I would suggest to list now to increase your odds of a donor match. If you wait too long, when you're really sick, a donor may not be available to you at all. And that would be a shame."

Finally she said, "You really need to wrap your head around the idea that this is the best chance for you. And then, and only then, be on board, 100%. It is now your decision."

I told her I had an appt with Dr. R on Aug 9, in 2 weeks. I would like to discuss this with him one more time and mull over everything she has told me. She smiled and said, "Fair enough. I have a meeting with Dr. R in about a half hour. I'll let him know I saw you today and what you have decided."

I know what Dr. R will say, since he started this ball rolling. I already know what I must do, add myself to the list on Aug. 9. I just want to be with my familiar Doc and surroundings to make the final decision to go with it. 

The next couple weeks will be filled with some intense, thinking, praying, accepting, and 'wrapping of my mind.'
I want to be in a mental place of 'Yes, I need to do this now and I'm ready." 

I want to know that I'm ready to let go of my God given, impressive lungs. 

And ready for my mind to be impressed by a new set of shiny, breathing lungs.